Telling It LIke It Is, By John Michael Newton
This week: Breaking down Raw, and other thoughts.
Last night I sat down in my friends' house in Staten Island to watch RAW
with a couple of my buddies. And some interesting things happened. So let
break it down:
Starting the show off is a vignette by Edge and Lita. Suddenly my mind
kicks in gear and I try to visualize being Matt Hardy. I figure if I am
Matt Hardy, I am in the process of throwing my 3rd or 4th brick through the
TV Screen. Boys and Girls, there is a lesson to be learned. If you work
for WWE, do NOT make a stink if your girlfriend sleeps with co-workers. And
NEVER let your brother and/or tag team partner go to a rival promotion like
TNA. If you do, you will be fired and blamed for everything. Moving on.
Next match is Hassan/Davari vs. Shelton Benjamin. No promos cut as the
match starts. Pretty good action, Hassan wins with the Flatliner ERRR some
unnamed finishing move. Come to think of it, Hassan kinda DOES look like
Kanyon with a turban. Jericho of course comes into the building and
apologizes for missing his tag match but he had a hairdreser's appointment
for him and his Fozzy bandmates.
Another backstage Batista-Flair vignette, and a meaningless Bischoof
vignette, commercial break.
Jericho had a match with someone, I didn't pay attention because my Mom was
on the phone and Ronni was yelling at me for something, I can't remember
Next up, Chris the Master Piece of Crap comes out. So-called revenge match
with Dancing Stevie Richards, whose nose was broken by Masters 3 months ago.
Match lasts 4 minutes, Masters puts on the Master Lock and puts Richards
to Sleep. Unfortuneately, Master Crap has put the crowd to sleep with his
boring lame gimmick!!! During the break, crowd is given smelling salts to
wake them up.
Next the crowd was awoken by one of the best shoot promos in recent memory.
Bischoff gloating about he killed ECW. THen Vince comes out. He reveals
that he DID financially support ECW. and the great stars that came from ECW
to the WWE. ECW music hits and Vince introduces my main man PAUL HEYMAN!!!!
Heyman goes on about the legacy of ECW!!! WHole crowd chants the ECW
thing. Vince then turns to Bischoff and says, "I killed WCW". Which is not
exactly true, because WCW is now TNA, or so we think.
Leading to our next match. Benoit vs. Tajiri. Match was dissappointing, as
Benoit puts Tajiri in the Crossface using the kendo stick, kind of
Next up, we have Chef Viscera trying to hit on Lillian. Two things wrong
with this gimmick. Viscera can't sing, and I forgot the other thing wrong.
I will find out later. This is kinda funny and stupid at the same time.
Ends with Vis putting the lip lock on Lillian. break.
Some lame interview guy then goes to interview Kane and he cuts a promo
about pain. He basically went on to say how his career has been in pain
ever since that lame Katie Vick gimmick concoted by Cripple H killed his
career. Kane then walks out or something.
Time for the main event. Batista vs. Edge. Lots of action. Christian and
Tomko an dLita are at ringside. Towards the end, Tomko and Chtristian come
out and pummel Batista. Flair comes and helps Batista. Batista hits the
bomb for the win despite LIta's best efforts to interfere. we think it is
the end as flair and Batista embrace. Then my worst fears come true,
Cripple H's music hits. I immediately went to use the bathroom. I came out
and he was still on. Something about Flair hitting a low blow and turning
on Batista. So I went to get a snack. Cripple H said something about Hell
In A Cell, and it went off. Heck this made me think of a new recipe. To
turn a good show into an absolutely crappy show, just add Cripple H. Your
show will lose half its ratings in only 90 seconds. Compare with Jeff
Jarrett, which takes about 3 minutes to produce the same results.
Bottom line is this. WWE still can't put together a show like they used to.
In the past they could hold you in the palm of their hand for 2 hours
onstop, now I get to the point where I am falling asleep and using the can
during the show. Come on WWE, let's get it in gear!!!
In other news, Stone Cold Steve Austin said in an interview he wanted to
wrestle Hulk Hogan. Heck Hogan didn't want to work with Austin in WCW, what
makes us think he is going to do it now? We can only wait and see. Take
care and be well!!